I was watching an episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass and caught a short interview from a woman named Rita Bridenstine. She was talking about the incorrect use of ego – not the bragging, self-promotion type of ego. Rather the ego that comes wrapped up as low self-esteem, trying to get approval from others, and feeling that our self-worth is determined by how others treat us. It really hit me and I think it will help many of you in similar situations.
“I expected my husband to be something he was not. To be a person I made up in my head that would make me happy. I haven’t lusted after things, but I have lusted after approval. Approval, love, visibility from him. When I said I love you, what I really meant was I’ll trade you… I’ll sacrifice myself on all levels for your love and appreciation. Once I understood the person I was lonely for and the attention I was seeking wasn’t from my husband or someone else… the person I was lonely for was me. I gave up the notion that he needed to be something else for me to be happy. It brought peace to my soul.”
She became resentful of being everyone’s everything. She wasn’t giving in an honest, authentic way but as a bribe for approval.
WOW!
It’s painful, but honest, to say that I did the same thing. I just didn’t see it that way. I thought I was being kind, loving, compassionate and patient because that’s how I “should” be to be a good wife. Now I can see I needed self-love so badly that I offered everything I had to someone else in trade for some of his love. Ironically, no amount of love from him could ever compensate for lack of love for myself.
Isn’t it amazing how heaven gives the perfect situation to understand ourselves in a deep, life-changing way! This is when the discovery of the soul unfolds and we become more connected to our real, authentic self. The perfect situation was created for me to be so desperate for love that I had no option but to turn inward. In searching my own heart, I began repairing the leaks, holes and wounds that had made loving and accepting myself virtually impossible. The healing brought a deeper appreciation, respect and adoration for myself than I had never experienced. I found joy and a sense of completeness… possibly for the first time ever.
Now I understand what Rita means when she says, “I don’t think it’s possible for other people to hurt me – they are giving me their observation. I’m the one who gives it meaning. I get to choose what that meaning is.” When our own roots become deep within ourselves, others’ viewpoints of us become much less important. I’m no longer willing to take criticism from others because what they share is their opinion and I don’t determine my worth by someone else’s opinion. Period.
Oprah shared two thoughts I would like to end with today:
1. Your internal worth doesn’t come from the world / from others… it comes from within.
2. If you’re sacrificing and secretly resentful that you’re not getting anything in return, you put a lot of conditions on your love and your giving. And then it’s really not unconditional.
May we each have the courage to dig deeper within and find that glorious, wonderful, amazing woman inside. This is my prayer.
Until next time friends,
Tara
